I SQUIRT, AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL

When I first started having sex, I loved it. I couldn’t understand what everyone was on about when they said sex was awkward, uncomfortable and painful the first time. I took to it like a duck to water and I wanted more. All the time.

My first boyfriend was incredibly horny, however, he’d spent a lot of time with girls who didn’t fuck, because he was part of a fundamentalist church group. He was constantly gagging for sex, but he wasn’t very good at it. He’d only ever watched porn, so he thought women took it up the arse fairly casually, and also he’d masturbated so much due to years of blue balls that he could barely have sex anymore. He was married to his hand.

Despite his addiction to porn and (the idea of) sex, my first boyfriend was very taken aback when, during foreplay, I had my first orgasm with him. He was using his hands, and I was very in tune with my erogenous zones, having masturbated the minute my body gave signs of being sexual; so when I squirted at the point of climax, he jumped back in disgust. “You’ve wet yourself!” he cried. No, I had just had an orgasm and he’d just ruined my post-cum buzz.

You see, he’d seen it in porn, but he was taught that sex was for the man’s enjoyment, and women who loved sex as much as I did, were evil. He refused to believe I’d enjoyed foreplay so much I’d ejaculated, so he told me to “clean that mess up and don’t do that again.”

We eventually broke up, mainly because he didn’t have a job and refused to move past the dark ages in terms of equal rights and generally being a decent human, but for years after that, I would get embarrassed around new partners and try to hold my orgasms in.

When I masturbated, I was happy to let my juices flow. I would relax into my pillow, arch my back and massage myself until I released all of the day’s tensions. Then a friend bought me a vibrator ‘as a joke’. I kept it in my drawer for a while, curious, but not quite ready to use it, telling myself I preferred the real thing. Then one night, after a few champagnes, I took it out of the drawer. I started by teasing my clitoris, then rubbed it against the outer lips of my pussy. It drove me crazy. I had to have it inside me. I pushed it hard and deep inside, pumping it in and out until I came with the most explosive orgasm I’d ever had. My sheets were saturated and I was spent.

Around that time, I met a guy who wanted a casual fling, and so did I. One night we were up late, drinking, talking and listening to music, and he revealed he’d been branded ‘Magic Hands’ by his previous girlfriend. Intrigued, I asked him to demonstrate. He lifted me onto his lap, and put his hand inside my underwear. He stroked my freshly waxed skin and circled my clit. It was ok, but I wouldn’t say ‘magic’. And then BAM. He crossed his fingers, plunged them inside me and started rotating his wrist. Oh my god. His knuckles were grinding against my g-spot and every other spot I had. I was going to cum.

“Stop!” I yelped.

“Why?” he questioned. He was so hard, he was almost busting out of his jeans.

“Because I’m going to squirt!”

He ground harder and deeper, using his thumb to massage my clit and grabbed my breast with his free hand. I came. All over him.

“That,” he growled. “Was fucking amazing. That was the hottest thing I have ever seen. I am covered in your orgasm and it is beautiful.”

We looked at each other and started to laugh. It was beautiful. I lay against him and we spent the rest of the night laughing, talking about life, and feeling close to one another.

That was our only night together, but after that, I felt no shame in having beautiful, messy orgasms; and if a man was uncomfortable about my sensuality, he didn’t get to play with me again.

I believe, if we explore and understand our bodies, we will enjoy sex more. And if our partner won’t let us express our sexual freedom (provided that freedom isn’t taking liberties at the expense of their partner’s feelings or safety), we need to find a partner who will. And they’re out there; probably waiting for us…

By Deborah Bennett